There is nothing you wouldnโt do for your child. Parents sacrifice their time, their money, their physical health, and even their mental health to help their children during a crisis. Parenting teens who act out is often misunderstood. There’s not something wrong with your teen; they are struggling with their mental health and don’t know how to express what they’re feeling in healthy ways. Family systems therapyโalong with your own individual healingโcan help your teen discover better ways to communicate and cope.ย ย
How Teens Act Outย ย
As a parent, when youโve put it all on the line for your child, where does that leave you? Teens who are struggling with mental or behavioral health issues like substance use or compulsive gaming act out in ways that their parents often donโt know how to cope with, like:ย ย
- Shopliftingย ย
- Vandalizingย ย
- Stealingย ย
- Lyingย ย
- Using drugsย ย
- Cutting classย ย
- Being confrontational with teachers or authority figuresย ย
- Fighting with siblings and parentsย ย
- Self-harmingย ย
In your childโs reality, their problematic behaviors are their way of expressing their internal pain and simultaneously trying to manage it.ย ย
Underlying Problems Fuel Challenging Behaviors ย
The root of a teenagerโs problematic behavior is unresolved emotional pain that leads to shame, self-hatred, and self-judgment. Your child doesnโt know how their actions are harmful; what they know is that they feel totally out of control and powerless to stop themself.ย ย
Teens act out not only because these behaviors can give them a temporary release from how they feel, but also because they are often the only way they are able to express themselves. Consider the game charades: you canโt use words to communicate, so you are forced to โact it out.โย ย
When you think about your child acting out, look beyond the behavior itself. By responding only to their behavior, there is a missed opportunity to understand what is driving the behavior: fear, sadness, anger, or shame.ย ย
How to Parent a Teen Who Is Acting Outย ย
Itโs a totally normal and understandable impulse to focus on and try to curb problematic behavior. Youโve probably tried a range of tactics, from grounding your teen to taking away their electronics to loading them up with chores. The positive effects of these measures are short-lived, and in no time, parents often see their childโs behavior ramp up further.ย ย
Teenagers act out. Parents react to the behavior. Little changes. Itโs a vicious cycle.ย ย
Parents who feel like they are failing in their role to care for their children often become overwhelmed by helplessness. That helplessness triggers a wide range of some of the toughest insecuritiesโfeeling unworthy, inauthentic, and incapable of being a parentโand makes a parentโs job of connecting with their child even more difficult.ย ย
Itโs nearly impossible for most parents to cut through the noise, see past the behavior, and identify the underlying cause of their childโs distressโunless you have help and take care of yourself.ย ย ย
Practicing Parent Self-Careย ย
The key to helping your teen is to first heal yourself through self-care and self-inquiry.ย ย
The degree to which youโre able to manage and maintain your own physical, mental, and emotional health has a direct impact on how well youโre able to support your child. When you feel like you canโt connect with your children, itโs generally an indication that you arenโt in tune with yourself. If you feel like you canโt care for them, itโs because you arenโt caring for yourself.ย ย
Some ways you can care for yourself include:ย ย ย
- Prioritizing sleep and restย ย
- Engaging in physical activity or exerciseย ย
- Seeking therapy or counseling for yourselfย ย
- Taking time for your hobbies and interestsย ย
- Connecting with friends and family who support youย ย
Taking care of yourself allows you to be more present and emotionally available for your child, making it easier to navigate through their troubling behaviors. It also allows you to understand how important getting help for your child is and how that help can ultimately benefit both of you.ย ย ย
Finding Professional Helpย ย
Parents who seek professional help often express feeling guilt and shame that they arenโt able to help, fix, or cure their childโs mental or behavioral health issues on their own. Theyโve been struggling and suffering, trying to manage their childโs feelings, behaviors, and health while the child is in crisis. Meanwhile, these parents arenโt able to pay close attention to their other children and completely neglect their own self-care.ย ย
Seeking professional help when you’re parenting a teen who’s acting out can allow you to:ย ย
Discover Balanceย ย
Parenting teens who are acting out isn’t about addressing the issues on the surface. It’s about learning how to care for them and help them heal while caring for yourself. This is a balancing act of awareness and intention.ย ย
Strengthen Connectionsย ย
Thereโs no formula for connecting with your teen, but often, itโs a result of being present with your child and not rushing to comment, dismiss, or problem-solve.ย ย
Understand When to Actย ย
Feelings of helplessness, anger, and grief may drive you to act when non-action is whatโs most needed. You can be triggered into action by your childโs acting out because of your own unresolved pain. By exploring and addressing that previously unresolved pain, you can stop being controlled by it in your current relationship with your child.ย ย
Begin Your Own Healingย ย
Most parents really benefit from spending time exploring their own thoughts and feelings that are triggered by their childโs acting out. This is best done with a counselor or therapist, someone who can safely and thoughtfully guide you through old memories and feelings.ย ย
React Appropriatelyย ย
Once you become aware of your own triggers, you can create a mental division between past and present, between your memories and whatโs happening at the moment, and between the child you were and the child you have in front of you.ย ย
Develop Empathyย ย
Your own journey of healing allows you to create some heart space to connect more deeply with yourself and your child. You can focus on exploring what they’re having so much difficulty expressing without letting your own unresolved pain interrupt them.ย ย
Teens might act out because they’re living with parents who lack their own self-care and understanding. Slowing down, keeping an open heart, and not rushing to problem-solve go a long way in setting an example for how your teen can lead a healthy, less confrontational life.ย ย
The Importance of Taking Care of Yourselfย ย
The insight you gain into yourself when you spend time in self-exploration, self-inquiry, and self-care can help slow down emotionally charged scenarios with your child. Instead of feeling triggered and out of control, you are better able to validate your childโs feelings and connect with them. It also helps you get a clearer picture of what your child is experiencing.ย ย
By spending time on your own healing, youโll be much better prepared to support your child in their healing. Youโll be able to curb your impulse to respond to their behavior and instead have open, accepting, and validating communication with your child.ย ย
Take the Next Steps Nowย
When you’re ready to make a change in your own and your child’s life, don’t find an excuse to put it off. Taking the next steps won’t be easy, and it’s well worth the time you spend focusing on your family’s mental health.ย ย
- Have an honest conversation with yourself and your family โ You might know that something is of for wrong but you don’t have the full picture yet. When you gain perspective of the challenges your teen is facing and how your own behaviors influence them, sit down with your family to discuss the next steps together.ย ย
- Seek professional help โ A therapist or counselor can help you work through your own feelings and behaviors, as well as guide you in supporting your teen’s healing journey. Family systems therapy can also help improve communication and connection within your family.ย ย
- Commit to self-care โ Self-care isn’t always going to be easy; sometimes, it will feel like work. The goal of self-care is to enrich and empower you so that you can be the best parent possible.ย
- Be patient โ Healing takes time, and it may not happen overnight. Be patient with yourself and your child as you navigate through the ups and downs of their journey to wellness.ย
- Celebrate progress โ When positive changes occur, celebrate them! It’s important to acknowledge all the hard work that has gone into healing and recognize the progress that has been made, no matter how small it may seem.ย
At Family First, we encourage the parents of our adolescent clients to explore their own options for healing through support groups and therapy. By understanding and connecting with yourself, youโre better able to connect with and understand others. When we bring you and your child together in a therapeutic setting, you both feel more equipped to express yourselves and accept what the other person is expressing.ย ย
Call Family First Adolescent Services for Helpย ย
When our clinicians work with adolescent clients, we begin building a relationship with them by bringing our curiosity, presence, and compassion into what is driving their distress. Our aim is to accept their complex feelings, understand how they are making sense of their experience, and offer them a new way of relating to themself and their situation by reinforcing their agency.ย ย
We also hold parental support groups and program family counseling in our personalized therapy plans. By coming to Family First, you don’t just find support for your teen but your whole family. Call 888.904.5947 or contact us online now to get help.ย