From Frogger to Fortnite, we’ve leveled up significantly since video games first started capturing the attention of young people. In June 2018, the World Health Organization declared gaming, including video gaming, and internet gaming a disorder, and while some applauded the move, others criticized it.
Whether it’s too much time spent indoors, not enough time spent on homework or chores, or what looks like mindless staring at a screen, parents we’ve spoke to have struggled to accept their child’s preoccupation with gaming.
Some have argued that video games are problematic because they diminish a child’s ability to concentrate, others claim the games desensitize children to violence, and many want to draw a line between video games and childhood obesity.
While the announcement made by the World Health Organization has stoked controversy surrounding the problematic nature of gaming, what it has effectively done is underlined that where it’s problematic, it’s symptomatic of a much more serious underlying issue.
Gaming is considered problematic or disordered if a child isn’t able to control the amount of time he or she spends on video games; if they put gaming before responsibilities at home, homework, time with their friends, team sports or hobbies, and even eating and sleeping; and if they continue to play video games or play them more despite experiencing fallout like the loss of friendships, poor grades, fighting with their parents, and suffering health.
We’ve written previously that when a child exhibits problematic behavior, while it’s normal to address the behavior first, it’s also vital to look at what underlying dynamics are driving these behaviors.
We want to caution parents against jumping to a conclusion about their child’s gaming habits and what they signify. Not all children who immerse themselves in video games are struggling with their mental health, and not all children who are struggling with mental health will use video games to cope.
Video games and gaming aren’t inherently problematic. What can be problematic is your child’s relationship to and experience of gaming— specifically if it gives them something they aren’t getting from their school life, social life, or home life. A child who stays up late a few nights in a row doesn’t necessarily have an issue with problematic gaming; however, a child who experiences significant weight loss or gain, who pulls back from friends, sports, and school, or who lashes out angrily when gaming time is interrupted could be experiencing a problematic relationship to gaming.
There is a correlation between problematic gaming and maladaptive dissociative processes—recent studies have demonstrated gaming is a coping mechanism some children use to escape deeply painful internal states. “A virtual world that is used as a source of enjoyment and relaxation can become a place where the individual can become absorbed as a way of escaping from personal and interpersonal insecurities, life difficulties, traumatic experiences, negative feelings…”
This escape into a virtual world is related to dissociation, a disconnection from the present moment in a variety of different ways.
The thousand-yard stare, when your child is there in body but his mind is far away is more than a mental process, it’s a physiological process too. When we see kids zoning out, they’re cutting themselves off from their emotional experience, or even completely leaving their body during an overwhelming event.
The research shows there’s a strong correlation between children who rely on dissociation as a coping mechanism and problematic gaming. Dissociation begins as an unconscious means of self-protection early in life, children dissociate to shield themselves from overwhelming feelings of threat and helplessness, and this becomes ingrained as a primary coping mechanism as they get older. As children learn how effective dissociation can be for dealing with stress, fear, and conflict, it’s a tactic they return to more frequently.
Children who dissociate are disconnected from their feelings and not able to build deep and meaningful relationships with other people, or to experience intimacy or vulnerability. In fact, it becomes a child’s defining approach when moving towards connection. When children dissociate, beginning in the earliest stages of their development, this process of disconnecting from themselves and others goes to the root of their personality and who they see themselves as.
Over time, dissociation, meant to shield children from pain, becomes painful too.
What was once a buffer from a painful or harmful environment keeps them rooted in loneliness and isolation. As teenagers and young adults, this innate fear of connection and resulting dissociation becomes their primary source of pain—and the primary barrier to them getting what they want out of life. Children and adolescents who dissociate want very badly to connect with others but feel completely overwhelmed by the prospect of connecting.
Problematic gaming becomes a coping mechanism for dealing with the pain associated with living a life while reliant on dissociation.
Many of the problematic gaming clients we help at Family First describe feeling a true sense of belonging for the first time in their lives in the virtual world of video games. They experience euphoria and relaxation, and an absence of pressure or stress. They can recreate their identity, building a version of themselves who they like and respect, and who they believe other people will also like and respect. In gaming they can finally possess all the things they believe they can’t access in the real world like strength, creativity, assertiveness, and feelings of self-worth and purpose. With rankings, scores and statistics all compiled in real time, they have a sense of pride in being able to measure themselves in a context where they feel some agency.
Parents hope their children find purpose in academic performance and life aspirations; these teens find purpose in building a false identity that resides in this virtual world. In the world of video games, connecting with themselves—via the persona they create—and with others comes without the fear and threat of the real world. Here they are not lonely or alone, here they can achieve their goals and objectives, here they can be part of a team and even be a leader on that team.
A compassionate view of gaming
In order to help your child, you need a baseline of understanding to inform your compassion. Watching your child self-sabotage and not show up for life, knowing that they do this despite wanting to be part of life, can be painful for a parent to watch.
If you’re concerned that your child’s immersion in video games might hurt his social or academic life, it’s a good idea to begin an open dialogue with him or her to see what they believe they are getting out of it for themselves, if they are aware of any negative consequences they might be experiencing from gaming, if they are willing or able to have a self-reflective conversation about it. Our recent article, Building a Bridge to your Teen Through Validation, outlines four key steps parents can take to have a conversation that puts their child at ease and encourages them to open up.
The result of an open and non-threatening conversation with your child could reveal that, in terms of his or her mental health, everything is okay. Your child might show you that his or her social group plays the same game together, but at their own houses on their own consoles or computers, and that they’re talking and connected to each other the whole time. In this case, your child might simply need some clearer boundaries from you about how much time is enough, and that video games should only come after homework and chores are completed.
On the other hand, if you’re noticing significant changes in weight, if your child is pulled back completely from their social or academic life, or if they are lashing out at home—especially in the context of gaming—we recommend you seek out immediate help. A local outpatient therapy service can evaluate your child’s state and refer you to treatment resources. You can also call us. Our team is trained to evaluate and assess the appropriate level of care for your child, and we can suggest local treatment resources for your family or admit your child to our residential program.
The world keeps changing, and new technologies are helping to blaze our path into the future. But when it comes to communicating with your children, it’s best to go back to the basics of genuine curiosity, acceptance, support and validation.
Family First helps the whole family find lasting and meaningful healing from the most common and complex issues affecting teens including problematic gaming. We keep parents in the loop every step of the way, with at least three weekly calls home to talk about how your child is doing with his therapy, his schoolwork, and to focus on healing your relationship with your child.
Is Family First Adolescent Services right for you and your family? Call us to find out (561) 328-7370.
